There is one good thing about living in a condominium complex where senior citizens occupy super majority status. It is not their hyper-vigilant attention to the condominium rulebook. It is not their selfless appointment as informer of the condominium rules to the general public (i.e. me). It is not the weird smells they leave in the elevator. It is the fact that in a crowd of curmudgeons, you will find a few cheeky seniors who are both disinhibited enough to say raunchy things and can still hear well enough to get to enjoy the audience’s reaction.
Case in point, I entered the condominium elevator and came upon an elderly couple, both of whom were dressed well enough to be attending the bat mitzvah of a future investment banker. In my weakness for old-fashioned romance, as well as my general affinity for being corny, I engaged them in a little elevator small talk.
Hadley: Well, don’t you both look lovely! Are you having a date night?
Wife: Why, yes we are, we are celebrating my husband’s 90th Birthday tonight.
Hadley: Wow! What a milestone! And, you look pretty darn handsome for turning 90 today.
Husband: Thank you!
Wife: Yes, and he looks good naked too.
Hadley: Well… lucky you! Have a good evening.
Good gods, the doors opened and I was able to exit stage left. I am fairly certain that after the doors closed again, I stopped in the hallway and looked back at the elevator to say to myself: Did that just happen?
Luckily, I come across enough elderly folks in my professional life that very few blatant admissions of honesty ruffle my feathers. But, that evening, I was off the clock. And, I got blindsided with visual of this 90-year-old gentleman in his actual Birthday suit plus/minus his hearing aids.
Three things I took from that exchange:
- Don’t underestimate an old broad who is also a Member of the Tribe.
- Old people know when you are kissing their ass, so just, don’t.
- When I’m an old broad, I will maintain the where-with-all to say inappropriate things to young people to make them feel uncomfortable.
While I didn’t get this cookie recipe from Oversharin’ Sharon, I did happen upon it by befriending my wily senior citizen neighbor, Debbie.
Debbie is the kind of woman who would make a dream-come-true mother-in-law if her sons weren’t so unattractive and boring. She enjoyed the company of my dog and had a lot of relevant synagogue updates to share. An example, but first:
Debbie: Can you believe that Rachel and Theo are spending that kind of money on their daughter’s custom chuppah? And don’t even get me started on the shegetz she said yes to, oy vei. I overheard them whispering about it when I was sitting shiva at my friend Andrea’s house. The kugel I made was a hit, of course.
H’s inner voice: Ok. A) Don’t know these people. B) … what?
Best of all, Debbie liked to drop off goodies for that “cute doctor husband of yours.” (Cheese, M.D. bats 0.850 with the elder lady population). After I tried her warm cookies and my taste buds promptly exploded with glee, I was glad I didn’t wait until Cheese, M.D. got home to share, as he is a cookie hoover.
When I asked Debbie for the recipe, she passed it on with the title, Leni’s Cookies.
H: Who’s Leni?
D: Oh, just my friend who gave me this recipe years ago. She didn’t have a name for them.
H: Well, in my cookbook, they’re going to be called ‘Debbie’s Cookies.’
D: Yeah, they better be.
What’d I say? Old broad from the Tribe. They don’t play.
And to be clear, these cookies, they don’t play.
What You’ll Need
Hot oven (350 F)
1 stick of salted butter, room temperature (8 Tbsp)
½ C white sugar
½ C brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 C all-purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
1 C old-fashioned oats
1 C semi-sweet chocolate chips
½ C milk chocolate chips
What You’ll Do
- In a small mixing bowl, combine the dry ingredients: flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda. Set aside.
- Tried this whole wheat flour because I was trying to be healthy. They bombed. Use all-purpose white flour.
- In a large mixing bowl, use an electric mixer to combine butter, sugars, and vanilla until fluffy. Add the egg and beat until combined.
- Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients and electric mix until just combined.
- Add oatmeal and chocolate chips and beat on low until just combined.
- Drop formed cookie dough balls onto parchment paper. Size with your TBSP spoon.
- I usually get about 30 cookies as long as I am chewing gum when I make these.
- Bake 10-11 minutes.
Hopefully, by now, you know what to do after they come out of the oven.